Glass Siblings

I recently came across the word glass sibling through a friend who, like me, also advocates for children with special needs, and I was fascinated by the word. So I decided to do some research and share my findings and my own experience.

 

Glass siblings are healthy brothers or sisters to a child with special needs. Some people also refer to them as Glass Children.

 

Why are they called glass siblings/children?

The term “glass” can easily be misinterpreted to mean “fragile or easily shatter.”

But they are called glass children Because parents often tend to see straight through them and neglect their needs more. After all, they have to focus on the child with more requirements.

This recent discovery took me back to when my daughter was about 4 or 5. we had just received her brother’s diagnosis then, and I was doing a lot (primarily for him). She has always been an independent child (both my girls) and never needed my help. I didn’t have to teach her anything. She learned to tie her shoelaces, feed herself, and ride a bike herself, and I found it comforting and relieving not to have to worry about her. Then, one day, she told me, “I know you love Khalil more than me.” Before then, she had been insinuating it but never bluntly said it. It broke my heart, honestly. I dealt with a lot personally then, and hearing my 4-year-old say that to me made matters worse.

I sunk into a dark hole. I felt like I was failing in everything. But I recovered somehow because I knew my daughter was right. I had neglected her for so long. I lashed out at her often and gave her brother more attention. I knew I had to make things right; that was my wake-up moment.

I started by closing the communication gap between us by talking to her and explaining over and over why her brother needed me more; I tried as much as possible to make out time and spend as much time with her alone whenever I could. And lastly, I encouraged family time among us. I also tried to treat them as equally as possible, so I included all of them instead of engaging my son in-home therapy activities alone. 

She is ten now, and my other daughter is 3. So a lot has changed between us. We have grown close, Alhamdulillah, but I still feel that she (my 10-year-old) is holding back on that thought and feeling she shared with me years ago.

 I feel so because I found this article online about the Glass siblings. I went through the comment section and found many responses from people sharing stories of growing up with a special needs sibling and experiencing being entirely ignored by their parents and close relatives. 

One word kept coming up from each one of them: “INVINCIBLE.”

Many shared how they always felt invincible, even among relatives. Everyone wants to know how the special needs sibling is doing all the time but never bothers to check on the others, just because they assume they are doing fine. 

How they were neglected by their parents when they needed them just because their special need sibling needed their parents more.

 

We often forget that these children need us too. They are also going through some emotional turmoil, but they probably don’t want to share because they feel that we are emotionally unavailable to attend to them. Or because they want to avoid adding more stress to what we are already dealing with.

So how can we change the narrative for these glass children?

Effective communication: have conversations with them, and carry them along with whatever intervention you do with their special sibling. Always remember to explain and repeat it to them.

Create one-on-one time for each child/sibling where you ask about their feelings and listen to them keenly.

Even when you feel they know how to do certain things independently, offer to help them look through it. For example, if your child likes to do their homework independently, you can help go through it together to double-check their work.

Some studies suggest that a glass child can be prone to suffer anxiety or depression.

It is vital to start making these changes as early as possible with your children to prevent emotional traumas from the past from arising in the future.

Glass children often show signs of maturity and independence, which are like coping mechanisms to make you feel that there’s nothing wrong.

Do all it takes to make your child feel like they are not invincible.

To be seen and to be heard.

Remind them often how much you love them.

Spend 15 to 30 minutes daily with them and plan an outdoor activity with them occasionally.

With my 10-year-old, even though we have been having floor time and bedtime activities together for years. Earlier this year, I made it optional for my daughter to join us for floor time. So I spend 30 minutes with her younger ones and 10 to 15 minutes with her before bed. It gets difficult some days when I am exhausted, but I do my best by taking her out to see a movie she likes or do something she enjoys together more often.

Sometimes I let her choose a favorite spot for a quick snack or decide which park to go to for outdoor play. By doing so, she feels included, seen, and also heard. 

If among your children you happen to have some who are neuro-diverse and others, neuro-typical children, here are some additional guides to follow to encourage communication among your children:

 

1. Foster inclusivity: Encourage your children to include and befriend children who may be different from them. This will help them develop empathy and understanding for others.
2. Provide individualized support: Recognize that each child has their own needs and provide individualized support accordingly. This could include accommodations for neuro-diverse children or extra attention for neuro-typical children who may feel left out.
3. Foster inclusivity: Encourage your children to include and befriend children who may be different from them. This will help them develop empathy and understanding for others.
4. Create a structured environment: Both neuro-diverse and neuro-typical children benefit from structure and routine. Establish clear rules and expectations for behavior, and provide consistent consequences for breaking them.
5. Communicate openly: I cannot overemphasize on this. Encourage open communication between your children and yourself. This will help them feel heard and understood, and will also help you address any conflicts or issues that arise.

Written for Specially Gifted Magazine